I felt compelled to write a letter of apology to my children upon waking up on Wednesday, November 9, 2016: 

Dear Ian and Elle,

I am sorry.

I am sorry for what your parents’ and your grandparents’ generation has done. Electing Donald Trump to the presidency is the culmination of several decades of neglect and selfishness, and hopefully it will be our wake-up call.

We have neglected our fellow citizens, our planet, and our personal transformations. I want you to understand that Donald Trump is simply an outward reflection of our internal world – our anger, our sadness, our fear, and our disconnection from each other – our disconnection from love.

We have not cleaned up our messes and have created some tremendous new ones. We have broken our education systems by not investing in them. We have broken our capitalist systems by doing whatever we could – taking out of them whatever we could, as quickly as we could with our quarterly and annual greed – without investing in them. We have broken our environmental systems by pumping chemicals into our ground, our water, and our air, and then claiming we don’t know why there are a 1,000 earthquakes in Oklahoma or why the icecaps are melting.

We have neglected our personal transformation by not being willing to face our fears, sadness, and anger. We have invented more and more ways to numb ourselves and self-medicate – alcohol, drugs, sex, exercise, television, money, work – and we have glorified all of that behavior.

We do not love ourselves; therefore, we are not capable of loving each other or our planet…yet. We have work to do – to own our own shit and to clean up our messes – inside and outside. Fortunately, I believe love is reflected in two ways – words and action. Love is a word and an action.

Here is what I commit to you, my children: I will pick something that I can commit to in order to improve this world through my words and my actions. I am just not sure what it is going to be yet – I am asking for clarity as I write this. There are so many things I know I could personally commit to improving:

1. Equal pay for equal work for everyone
2. Education equality – providing the same education for our children no matter what neighborhoods they live in; providing affordable college education
3. Healthcare coverage for everyone
4. Environmental care for our planet

My outlook brightens as I think about you and the rest of the millennial generation, the generation we love to deride because we feel inferior. We know how truly amazing you are. Do not let us try to bring you down. You are the most intelligent, educated, self-aware, socially conscious, globally aware, connected, and kindest generation ever to live. We are lucky that you are so wonderfully capable of cleaning up the outside messes we have made.

You made it clear you wanted something different from this election – just not this version of “different” we gave you. You wanted a government that represents inclusiveness, equality, global consciousness, love. What we gave you was the last gasp of the old white male patriarchy, the last attempt of those who benefit from this system to regain hold of something they know is slipping away. This is that system’s dying breath, as those who have benefited try to resurrect it from its ashes. I have learned that we human beings have a tendency to cling to – and even fight for – the familiar, rather than take a chance on the unfamiliar and potentially fabulous.

I’m sorry that you had to see that there are times hate triumphs (which is really fear disguised). However, if good men and women choose to DO good, and use good words, I believe we can create a world that is fabulous. I do believe words create worlds. The words we use in our heads create our inner world. That is why I also commit to continuing my own work – owning my shit and cleaning up my own messes. I commit to being quiet, listening, taking care of myself, becoming more aware, becoming more connected, and to love. I commit to having good words inside so I can reflect them on the outside.

Then I commit to being LOUD to help create a better world. I commit to standing in love – not fear – in my efforts to make this world a better place for you and become a better human being. I ask you to help me and hold me accountable.

We have work to do.

I love you.

Love,

Mom

It’s true when parents withhold from their children, when spouses withhold from their partners – and when organizations withhold from women.

Withholding is a form of controlling.  When parents withhold their love or approval from a child, or deny access to funds or fun things, it’s usually as a way of controlling or influencing the child’s behavior. The same could be said of the spouse who withholds affection or support – or of withholding in any personal relationship. It’s about control – and it’s one of the nastiest ways to control in my opinion, since it’s so difficult to resist. You can fight or address direct attempts to control or influence. But how do you fight the absence of something?

I learned all this years ago through some personal growth work, and I’ve always thought about it in that personal context. It wasn’t until this month that I realized patriarchal structures do the same thing. When a business organization or some other social structure withholds from women, minorities or other disadvantaged individuals, it’s really about control. And it’s very effective.

So far this month we’ve seen two great examples of this. We’ve seen it in sports, and we’ve seen it in medicine.

First, there was this article in the New York Times about a lawsuit being brought by some of the women on the US Women’s National Soccer Team. They’re suing for better wages, noting they get paid a fraction of what male players earn – despite three World Cup championships and four Olympic championships.

The men who run these organizations have completely missed the boat. They choose not to promote the women; they choose not to sell products to the people who would be more interested in watching the women. Worse than that, they withhold the best facilities from the women to play on, withhold the best TV timeslots for the women to be seen, and withhold the marketing and sponsorship dollars that would make these women stars.

My comment to that effect was flagged by the Times for its Top 20 comments. In that same comments section, many people (mostly men) claim the wage disparity is due to greater interest in men’s games. Really? Or is that simply what we have all been “fed” through the marketing, sponsorship, selling, and access provided to the men?

There are also hundreds of commenters (both women AND men) who state that they prefer to watch the women’s soccer team – but can’t find them on TV. The women get relegated to play at rented high-school stadiums, not the taxpayer-funded event stadiums that the men play at. There’s no marketing or information about the women’s games, and no decent products to buy that promote their teams. Does this qualify as withholding? I think so.

The second example of withholding this month comes in the story of a woman scientist who invented a product targeted specifically at women’s health.

In the Times article I linked above, one paragraph describes the responses the inventor, Ridhi Tariyal, and her business partner got from potential investors at mostly-male venture capital firms:

“Someone told us that the product would only help women, and women are only half the population — so what was the point?” Ms. Tariyal said. Other potential funders wanted to reimagine their technology as a product for men: Was there some way to re-engineer it so that it would measure testosterone? And one guy suggested they develop a machine that a man could use to covertly test the health of his sexual partners, because “women are liars” who spread venereal diseases.

If this was really about money, the men who run most of these structures (investment funds and sports companies alike) would be ALL OVER opportunities like these. Imagine how much MORE money they could make if they paid attention to the other HALF of the population!

Instead, they dismiss 50% of their potential customer base. It must not really be about the money or they would have gotten it a long time ago. So what is it about?

It’s about control. Patriarchal structures were built by men, for men. If those structures withhold – denying access, financial backing, sponsorship, marketing, research and product development, or whatever else women and minorities need to succeed – then they can continue to control. Or at least they can try.

This is what is going on. And – like a parent trying to control a child by withholding approval, or a spouse trying to control a partner by withholding affection – it feels icky to me. When something feels icky, you call it out for what it is. And if possible, you move away from it.

This is why women need to move away from efforts to conform (or “lean in”), to try and make the current structures work. You are working against the absence of something. You are dealing with structures designed to withhold and control rather than support and expand. It might work for a while, but you will never remove the withholding. The only way to do that is to walk away and build your own structure.

Women, we could do a much better job of supporting each other as we do that. Women can change the game by stepping up to build the companies. We can fund the science. We can demand we see the women’s national team play at the men’s stadiums. That will give women control over what we (and anyone else who is interested) are able to access.

You can jump even higher than you think. But you may have to take a few steps back first.

Last year I made the hard decision to walk away from a business I loved and had helped create. On the day I chose to leave, someone posted this picture and quote on LinkedIn:

It is a quote from A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, the well-known scientist, writer and educator who served as President of India from 2002-2007. I liked it so much that I copied it into an email and immediately sent it to myself. I needed a reminder to look at my “end” not as an epic fail, but as a F.A.I.L. – a “First Attempt in Learning.” I needed a reminder that E.N.D. means “Effort Never Dies” and N.O. means “Next Opportunity.”

So for the last few months, I’ve begun getting ready for my “next opportunity.” Here’s how I’ve been doing it: I stopped and regrouped. Then I took a step back and started again.

Stop and regroup

After a F.A.I.L., it’s important to refocus and re-center before you keep moving forward. For me, that has meant getting my feet under me financially again. But it’s also meant regaining my focus: Committing to not giving up, remembering why I believe certain kinds of businesses are so important for the future, and keeping the door firmly open to the next opportunity to build an exciting, purpose-filled business that will help usher in that future.

I moved away from something that didn’t feel right; now I will focus on moving toward what does feel right. Trusting my gut. That is hard for me – I’m more of a thinking person. But I’m learning.

As I regroup, I’ve got a sense that – even though I may have missed the last hurdle – this is a process of taking a step back to jump an even higher hurdle in front of me to even greater success in the future.

Step back and start again

You don’t just regroup after a F.A.I.L; you also take a step back. For me, that has meant deciphering what it is I learned through my first attempt at building a business. I’ve been looking at the things I did really well, and I’ve been looking at mistakes I made.

Here’s what I’ve learned I’m really good at:

• Formulating a valuable business idea
• “Crafting” that idea through market analysis
• Developing the entire business plan
• Communicating the idea to others
• Forming the company
• Identifying opportunities
• Negotiating business partner agreements

These are strengths I’ve found in myself that I’ll bring again to my Next Opportunity.

Here are mistakes I think I made:

• I didn’t insist that all business operating agreements be signed before moving forward.
• I didn’t have agreement with my partners on what collaboration means and what it would look like for us. Collaboration should mean there is a “felt experience of mutual caring about achieving each other’s goals” (Stephen Willis, PhD).
• I wasn’t clear about each of my business partners’ goals. Were our objectives really the same at the outset, or not?
• I wasn’t clear about whether founding partners were willing to put the company and team ahead of themselves.

My biggest mistake was to focus on the “doing,” without making sure the “being” was all in place first. I ASSUMED it was in place based on all the talking and building that had been done – honesty, integrity, shared goals, true collaboration, same vision, same values. I didn’t make sure.

What would I do differently next time? I’m still working that out. It is going to be a matter of being willing to have those deep conversations to confirm understanding, agreement, and alignment (or not). It would be nice to not make the same mistakes on the Next Opportunity. It would be nice, having taken these few steps back, to be able to jump even higher.

When someone tells you the reason they are doing something is “just standard business practice,” that’s a code. They mean “that’s just the way it is.”

And that’s really code for “we’re exploiting others for our own financial gain.” Too much in business (and elsewhere!) today individuals look to maximize their own take, control, or standing in the near term – at the expense of others, and of sustainability, in the long term. 

But does “standard business practice” have to remain standard? Most of us buy into “that’s just the way it is,” either because we benefit from keeping things the way they are or because we feel that we don’t have the power to change it.

I don’t buy into it.

That’s why I’m so inspired by Paul Tudor Jones’ work with JUST Capital. The Tudor Investments hedge-fund manager announced the new non-profit in April; since then JUST Capital has been hard at work on the JUST Business Index, a ranking of companies based not just on revenues but on just practices – as gauged from multiple perspectives.

According to its website, members of the organization believe first that profit need not come at the expense of people or the planet; and second that business conducted in a more balanced equitable and just manner should be rewarded by the markets. Their index is a first shot at making that more likely.

I believe this will be the beginning of actually incenting businesses and people to behave differently – in a more collaborative, equitable, and generous way with each other, our communities, and the planet. We have to figure out how to build businesses based on equilibrium, sufficiency, and putting the team and others ahead of yourself. This is a case of many standing in a place of “it doesn’t have to be this way.”

However, most are not there yet. Too many are still working from the current status quo – putting yourself first; always looking for more rather than enough. If you want to work differently, it’s important to find others who are willing to stand with you in this new space. This means a change in hiring practices like that of MuleSoft CEO Greg Schott, who says, “We’re looking for someone who is a good human. That is defined by high integrity, being a great team player, and they want to win as a company first, team second, individually third.” 

This is why building a business that stands in the possibility of contributing to an abundant, healthy, equitable, sustainable, balanced world is so important to me personally. We’re not just creating businesses. We’re creating a new world. A world where “that’s just the way it is” will be replaced by a simpler, more sustainable expression: “That’s just.”